The Searchlight of Insight

And God will listen...

I have been meaning to share the following for almost two years. During this past summer I had a sense of a spiritual deepening, which reminded me of this story. The story happened around October 2009 when Sebastian (seven years old at the time) had a sleep over at a friend's home. He and this friend were good buddies and shared some common beliefs about God. The morning after the sleep over, Sebastian his friend and friend's mother were out for a walk and picnic when the following incident happened, as recounted by the mother in an email to Tess.

During the picnic a group of boys walked past the three picnickers. The boys were new to the area where Seb's friend lived and were "a little bit rough" in their demeanor and presence. As a result Sebastian's friend was a bit frightened by the boys and didn't feel secure with them around. The mother described the boys as having foul language such as, "Hey you! You are psycho or what?" They used the F word regularly and a tone the mom described as "certainly not a tone we use in our house." Sebastian's friend was a little scared and wanted to go home.
 
But then Sebastian said to his friend...

"<Name>, you are God's son and you don´t have to follow or listen. Just do what you know is right and then the good can be good and the bad can be bad and God will listen."
 
A beam of happiness shone on their picnic and all three relaxed.

Above: Sebastian at Fintry this past summer. Thanks, Mandy, for the great picture!

June ICM Trip to Bacolod, Philippines

I finally completed the picture/video collage of Sebastian's and my trip to the Philippines with ICM in June 2009. The video is posted below. Many thanks to Tess who let Sebastian and I escape for a weekend in June while she looked after The Terrific Trio.

The Alpha Course

Obviously we are back from Canada, the forest fires and all that rot. Of course, I've been meaning to tell everyone this but, I am sure you figured it out long ago. Duh. Meanwhile, it's been back to work and back to school the last few weeks. I just returned home from Union Church, where this evening I delivered the introductory talk for The Alpha Course. The program is described as follows: "Millions of people all over the world have attended an Alpha Course. It is an 11-week practical introduction to the Christian Faith, and is a simple and effective way of presenting claims of the Christian Faith in a clear and non-threatening manner to people from all walks of life."

I have delivered this talk before, but re-wrote parts of it to reflect some of the themes of my life in 2009:

1. Where's home?
2. What does God have in store for me in the coming years?
3. What's the Hong Kong Exit Plan, should there even be a plan?

Roughly fifty people attended the evening that included dinner and lots of ambiance. Rumour has it the evening was recorded and might be made available on the Union Church web site in the coming days or weeks.

Tess wrote about our weekend in Bangkok and yes, it was great. Great because Tess and I spent time alone together and had lots of fun. Great because we were able to spend time talking about the above three points in new ways we'd never before considered. And great because of of our health check-ups!

Some of you know - but most of you don't - that for several months in early 2008 I felt led by God to quit drinking. After months of resisting I finally obeyed on June 13, 2008. I have not had a drink since. Meanwhile, and unrelated, the first time Tess and I went to Bumrungrad Hospital for check-ups (Sept 2005) I was told I had a "fatty liver." ("Like the fatted calf?" I thought!) One year later (Sept 2006) I was warned it was getting worse. Having had no alcohol for fifteen months ~ and undertaken numerous intense lemonade fasts, also known as the Master Cleanser, of which I know many of you disapprove ~ I was quite curious to find out about my liver last weekend: squeaky clean! This was a huge accomplishment for me and a graceful bi-product of obedience. I can't find any statistics on how many people reverse a fatty liver but I gotta believe the percentage is low. Praise God I managed to do it.

The Farm, A Change of Seasons

God provides seasons to ones life. He opens doors. He closes doors.

In the 1970s I spent several weekends, during several winters, in the backseat of my family’s station wagon as my parents hunted for the ideal country property in Southern Ontario. While we sailed during the summers, the plan was to spend winter weekends on the best they could find. This process took several years as my parents hunted for The Gem. Eventually they found a 100-acre property in Omemee, Ontario, a place made famous as Neil Young’s childhood town. The purchase was made around March 1978 and the property named after my great-grandparents' long gone property in Antigua, West Indies: Marblehill. (At left: The Farm one week ago - do you see the image of the person in the upstairs window? Who do you suppose that might be?; putting up the sign circa 1979.)

Our first official visit to The Farm, my family and a team of friends descended on the place with an abundance of cleaning materials to give the house a penny’s shine. At one point I stood on a chair to clean lights hanging from the main room’s ceiling. I found a penny sitting on the edge of the chandelier. I left it there where it remains today. (At left: the penny still remains; aerial view from 1980s.)

Over the next three decades we spent lots of time at Marblehill: often two or more weekends a month during the winters, Thanksgivings, Christmas holidays, Easters, Mother’s Days and more. When I joined my high school ski team I spent weekends at Devil’s Elbow practising. We made maple syrup from the huge maple trees in the front yard. We planted thousands of pine saplings as part of an Ontario government reforestation project that 25 years later transformed the landscape. My sister, Penny, was married at Christ Church in Omemee and the reception held on the front lawn of Marblehill. When my high school champion maze running rat “Champagne Charlie” died, he was laid to rest on the crest of a nearby hill. A family cat, Odysseus, eventually joined him years later (the humour of which I have just figured out – “you buried me next to a CAT!?”) My model boats sailed on the pond and two rocks designated Marble Hill Yacht Club. (At left: my niece Carly, 1990; MHYC trophy printed on birch bark.)

Humour aside, The Farm was a sacred place. I lived there for three years while attending Trent University. You can imagine the country – gentleman type existence that provided. Nothing like a walk on 100 wooded acres for a study break. Neil Young's twangs added to the poignancy and memories. Marblehill was also a safe place – a quiet, escape from the rat race, Champagne Charlie finally discovered, where one could easily slip into tranquil inertia. Hey hey, my my, Marblehill brought great Joy. (At left: late afternoon light inside The Barn; tribute to Neil Young in Omemee.)

As the current financial crisis ensued Tess & I often wondered what we’d do in a worst-case scenario? What’s The Exit Plan? I presented this to one of my Christian brothers here in Hong Kong. The topic was a debate for several weeks until finally he proposed: “The Farm’s the exit plan. Your family would love to have you back in Canada. There are local schools and you have enough savings that living there is a real possibility until you find another job.” (At left: the front lane last week, the tire still hanging from Carly's 1990 picture.)

Rather chuffed for this brilliant insight, I called Marblehill a few days later knowing my dad would be there. Unfortunately Marblehill was in the middle of its own crisis. Thanks to a failed furnace and local freeze, my father discovered umpteen things array – including a ruptured septic system – upon arriving at The Farm with weekend guests less than 36 hours away. “I think it’s time to sell The Farm,” he said. (At left: The Pond; ; Manitou sailing on the pond, 1978.)

I knew he was right. Truthfully, we’d been building to this point for several years for reasons easily surmised: it’s a huge property needing constant attention, the house is on the edge of some major work and in total the overall family usage dropped down to a crawl compared to the Devil’s Elbow days. Tess & I discussed the possibility of buying the property, knowing it would be an emotional purchase greatly complicating our non-resident tax status. Regardless, the Chairperson of The Board approved the purchase if I so desired. None of this mattered. A lurking buyer immediately snapped up Marblehill. The deal closes mid-June. (At left: a change of seasons at The Farm, circa 1990s.)

Last week I went back to say my final good-bye to Marblehill and my childhood home, which will probably be next on the chopping block. I helped with some clearing out, taking 803 pictures. (Tess also offered to return with me to assist but remained in Hong Kong in the end.) Needless to say, a range of emotions coursed through my nerves. My family was wonderful as always. At the airport I fell apart saying good-bye to them. As I passed through security I looked back. My family was gone but gazing back at me was a pastor, his clerical collar visible, who watched the entire scene unfold. I waved and smiled at him then turned toward my gate. (At left: my father and I moments before leaving last week.)

The Farm is not the Exit Plan. That door is closed. I am grateful for the gift of Marblehill and will cherish those memories forever.  We beat on, boats against the current. It’s an obedience issue. He and I both know it.

“He changes times and seasons; he sets up kings and deposes them. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.” Daniel 2: 21 – 22

Megan Farrell, 1992 - 2008

I am fresh off a plane from Canada. I spent about a week with my family and partially helped pack up The Farm, a gorgeous country property that was in the family for about 35 years. I’ll write more about that trip another time. I wrote the following blog while on a plane back from my US business trip in early May. This will be the beginning of a torrent of blogs on what’s been happening with me lately – read spiritually. I am without doubt in a season of total surrender.

I'm on a plane and writing a blog I've wanted to write for a long, long time about Megan Farrell who died in November of last year. Tess wrote about that week in this blog. The theme of this topic has been building for a long, long time - since as early as 1982 with the puzzle now coming into clearer view - but of late my life has been somewhat of a spiritual and emotional earthquake.

Megan was the daughter of a friend of mine, Colin. Colin and I attend a weekly Bible study/men's prayer group at lunch on Thursdays. For some time we'd been praying for Megan who struggled with an eating disorder but in the months proceeding her death made positive turns for the best. In the days before her death Megan caught a flu bug and it was just one of those cases where the bug took her down. Colin found her on a Saturday morning as I was about to head to the US. On the way to the airport I received a text message from another mutual friend that read, "pls pray for the farrell family, daughter megan, 16, passed away this morning, patrick."

At first I didn't understand, then finally what had happened hit me like a sledge hammer. I made some frantic phone calls as the Holy Ghost began to place the weight of this event on my shoulders. I was deeply, deeply troubled. I could hardly be with myself. The flight to the US was dark. The Sunday in the US was darker as I visited two of my favourite US churches in the Silicon Valley area, dwelling in the heaviness of Megan’s death.

While in the US I reached out to Colin via e-mail. To my surprise Colin wrote back. I considered myself on the low end of priorities at that moment, but he took the time to respond. I felt very much called to put together a photo video of Megan's life. I had no idea how it would be used or when, but the call was there. Colin agreed, provided I understood that he also didn’t know when it would be used. Meanwhile, he was living my worst nightmare: the death of one's child.

I landed back in Hong Kong and the process of making the video began. Over the course of the next week two things happened. First, and this might be a bit harsh, but I questioned if somehow Megan’s death was a failure of Christian brothers - not specifically at any individual, but as a whole, had the community supported Colin as much as we could? This sense grew as I sifted through hundreds of photos of Megan: some I received from Colin and his family and others that came off a Facebook group created as a tribute to Megan. Megan’s school reserved a classroom for students to visit and post messages/pictures of and to Megan. Tess and I visited, snapping pictures from here, too.

After viewing, cropping, enhancing hundreds of pictures, I knew Megan in a whole new way. That was heavy. I couldn't help but wonder if those of us who had prayed for Megan knew her, as we could have known her. Could my prayers have been more pointed, powerful, precise and thereby interceded more effectively for a different outcome? Megan was a committed Christian. There seemed no question of Megan's salvation - although it's not for me to judge - but heavy on my heart was the question, "What about those who don't know Christ, Charles, or who have fallen away? How many of those will...?" This notion that I – and maybe others - could have done more weighed heavily on my heart and has continued since then. At various prayer groups we've discussed the idea and since then made a greater effort to get out of our "prayer comfort zones."

Second, that week I had the privilege of being closer to Colin and his family than one would typically expect considering the circumstances and that it was only Colin who I knew. Through the video production and offering our "people mover" to ferry people back and forth to and from different events I had the privilege of being available. That gave me a humbling glimpse into the family’s world. What I most appreciated was how much they trusted me to be around for the fleeting moments when I was here and there. The funeral, held by Ambassador Church at Union Church, was wonderful and extraordinary: an amazing message of hope in the midst of a huge family tragedy. Below is the video I made that played twice as people arrived at the church before the service started.

About six weeks later Editha died. Her story can be found here. Tess has asked many times: "if things happen in '3s' then what or who is next?" Well we probably don't know, and even if we did, we wouldn't prophesize at this point but certainly we're praying for the situation. Meanwhile, since Megan’s death I have taken more time for and with my friends’ kids… taken those extra few seconds or minutes to connect with them more meaningfully. If those moments count towards making a better world for others, then from what I have learned of Megan, she would be happy. I have also made attempts to step beyond my spiritual comfort zone and thanks to God, I am getting considerable prompting in that area. Stay tuned for details.

"Every time I think of you—and I think of you often!—I thank God for your lives of free and open access to God, given by Jesus. There's no end to what has happened in you—it's beyond speech, beyond knowledge. The evidence of Christ has been clearly verified in your lives." 1 Corinthians 1:4-6

A story from the weekend...

Matthew 4:19-20 ~ "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." At once they left their nets and followed him.

On the Road To Emmaus after everyone had gone to bed I took a few minutes to visit one of the chapels. As I walked in I became instantly and acutely aware - in a physical sense - that I was in a Holy place. I stood there with my elbows perched on a bureau, soaking in the richness. Without warning Jesus appeared at my side. He was concerned for me. He placed His hand on the back of my head. The palm of His hand rested in the small of my neck and His arm ran directly down my spine. I wondered if He was protecting me from the enemy, as He had done before, but the Evil One was nowhere to be found nor any of his minions.

"You are falling behind," said Jesus. "You haven't dropped your nets and at this pace you won't finish the race."

Moving right along!

Hmmm... well I am not sure how successful the last post was. Only three commented while 293 people read the item. Interesting, and even more interesting was a private e-mail I got from someone who was actually in my life in 1982 at said first doorbell ringing. She rightfully smacked me about a bit, as did the message from our new pastor on Sunday. An amazing, AMAZING sermon. Go here to listen to the sermon "True Love" - terrific and inspiring message. WOW.

(Sela, having a drink of water this morning. Tattoo on her face was from Saturday's Birthday party.) What did she (from Trent) say? "Quit whinging and just do it." When I sat back to think about it, I do have a plan in place to take me to the next level and it is quite an intense plan:

• Committee of Management at Union Church
• HR Task Force at Union Church
• Weekly Men's Fellowship Lunch/Study when not traveling
• Prayer Leader for the Walk To Emmaus
• Intercessor with the Union Church Prayer Ministry
• Alpha Course, Group Leader
• Writing a book - thus far about 15% complete (personal testimony + miracle of the triplets)

(Carys, also with a tattoo!) All of this was put in place specifically to mature me as a Christian in the next several years and pursue my spiritual calling. But as Pastor Greg said on Sunday, "there are no shortcuts" and I already have a full plate. Uh huh, yeah... fog has cleared, no more whinging. There are a few things that need adjusting - taking more time for family and self by taking my game at work to the next or different level. Getting more rest. Not letting holidays accrue allows me to do both of these. (I have a month's leave accrued - doh!) De-cluttering my life.

(JJ on the phone with Tess this morning.)  Watch this space for progress. Meanwhile, back to our regular programming. The above piece of art comes from Sebastian. I love it - isnt it beautiful? He described it as "a building and a house located right here and right here standing together." Sebastian also claimed to make the picture with shaving cream. Not sure how that worked... will have to ask his teachers about that! As you can also see, his face is well on its way to recovery and the bruising not nearly as bad as we all thought it would be after a few days: definitely worthy of praise on the private prayer journal/blog.

The engines are revving...

About two years ago I posted a ridiculous survey asking readers of this blog “What do you want to read about this year?” Noted… you don’t want to hear about Charles’ “deepest darkest secrets, fears & anxieties.” Hah, fancy that… thus I ignored that question on the survey until a few weeks ago when I checked in to discover that YES a whopping 25% of you suddenly wanted to hear more about my secrets. Even more remarkably, this was just a shade behind, “Who's Charles? Show me more pictures of the kids!” which, to be truthful, is a false statistic because MoZiLLa kept clicking that button until I disabled repeat visitors. Therefore, my deepest darkest secrets rank #2 to “What it's like to be the father of Seb, Terrific Trio, DH of Tess?” considering all I talk about is the trips, family, Sebastian etc, I decided it time to bare my soul. It happened on a recent flight home to Hong Kong… the mood, setting and stressors all aligned to bring you the following. All I can say is “be careful what you click for!”

Well my friends, here we are... I am on the flight from Amsterdam back to Hong Kong. I have just watched two movies: Miami Vice and The Departed. You might be surprised to learn that even with all the travel I do, this is the first trip in a long time that I have watched movies! Most of the time I am catching up on work. Not so much today... just too tired and the weekend is almost upon me anyway.

Some of you may know from previous posts that the environment of being on a plane triggers strange thought processes inside my head. Tonight is no exception. Both great movies have given my mind an outlet - y'know, living vicariously through others. Now I've created a list of my fav songs from the CX collection. The lights are low, e-mail turned off, no incoming signals and the quiet world inside myself - the one that waits so patiently as I rush frantically through life - has time to talk. And wow, does that silent self have something to say.

Has anyone here ever heard Johnny Cash's rendition of "One" by U2? Truly a classic song.

We've started using executive coaches with our senior management team in APAC. That's a great development tool and in the areas of the region where the coach has been at work for several months we're seeing tremendous benefit. Watching individuals take their game to the next the level is always fun and rewarding. The other great thing about managing executive coach activities is the interaction yours truly gets with the coach. No small thing.

This past week we arranged for the coach (his name is Guy) to be in Singapore to work with some of our team. Between sessions he and I got a chance to talk at length. This gentleman resides in Melbourne and has a very interesting past: moved around as a kid due to his dad's international career, (including living in Hong Kong;) military career; professionally trained as a psycho-therapist; worked in one of the big five consulting firms but his real passion for many years has been coaching senior executives. He also reads this blog... but he lurks, never comments. Maybe that will change someday! (Check now, maybe this will draw him out.)

Back to our discussion... the point is he, the coach, said a very interesting thing to me... essentially that I am playing way too small in my life. He used the analogy of being a helping hand in people's lives, the way someone would reach out to help someone who had fallen. I paraphrase a bit here but essentially this is what he said: "You have a gift, Charles, to help people. We're all waiting for you to extend that helping hand, all of us, even me, what are you waiting for?" All of us? You, the coach, are saying this to me?

Hmmmm... I'm sure you've heard Guns 'N Roses' rendition of "Sympathy for the Devil?"

What the coach said to me was really no surprise. However, I WAS surprised that HE said that.. Even though deep inside I knew we were swimming in the "know that I know" pond. I am well aware I suppress my power and abilities. I'm not sure why that is - why do you think I do that, readers? Please tell me. The expression "afraid to meet the leader within me" resonates.

I am also clear - as is The Coach - this is a spiritual issue. I recognize that may sound odd to some of you dwelling in different doctrines, or who are at various stages of belief in God. Just view it as me a few hundred miles down the road from you. The struggle I'm going through is not belief or disbelief, it is what form should answering God's call take? Even when I ask THAT question, hidden deep within me is the answer. Covered up, never spoken about and often denied... Jesus is wooing me for a commitment that scares the daylights out of me.

Currently listening to "What If" by Coldplay.

When I tell people about "my calling" they often respond with, "I'll pray for confirmation." I appreciate that, hope people will pray for me and thank them very much. But you know what... I've been fighting, kicking and screaming against this calling so hard - for 25 years as of Nov 2007 - that surrendering and obedience will be freedom for me. The circumstances might need confirmation in a Calvinistic way, but the calling itself needs no confirmation. In fact, when praying myself over this issue I often sense God saying, somewhat annoyed, "Don't ask Me to call you again." The issue is not confirmation – it is being obedient to the original call.  That was twenty-five years ago while at Trent University. Recently, as I write about those days and my walk with God, it's quite possible there was an earlier calling when I was very, very young. If any prayer is required, it is prayer that the appropriate door will open and the path forward will become clear.

Currently listening to "The Message" by Coldplay.

Speaking of prayer, I am the Prayer Leader for the upcoming Walk To Emmaus in April. I was asked for a variety of odd reasons - odd for others, maybe not odd for me - one of them being that the Director of this Walk To Emmaus sensed divine instruction telling him I should play this particular part. The other reason was the creative nature of prayer in my life. Would you believe me if I told you I have another blog? Yes, friends, I have a private online prayer blog/journal. I started it last June and since then have posted 105 times. (Contrast that with 155 posts on The Searchlight of Insight since April 2002.) Each post contains my latest prayers and anything goes. It is an amazing tool because of the grace I experience each time I post - particularly when I'm down on my knees in grief, like when our landlord jacked our rent 50% a few weeks ago. (To be truthful, only a 50% increase was an answer to prayer. Another family in our building had a 90% increase in rent!)

NO ONE sees this blog and no luck to you attempting to find it. All prayers are posted innocuously, vaguely, unobtrusively, and I think God loves that part of the whole thing. So for example, if I pray for Tess, I pray for "T," or if I pray for someone at work like my colleague Paul, I pray for PM. But the point is I pray. As many of you know I have spoken at many Christian events in the last year. Before each time I speak, I send a prayer to the blog from my Blackberry... instantly and moments before commencing my talk.

Rarely do I share the prayers to this blog... but I did during one period of time. Last summer at Fintry, Tess' mom (Maureen aka MoZiLLa aka GG or Gorgeous Gran) and I sat at the end of the dock each night around 6 pm. We'd have a cocktail in hand, I'd have a cigar and my Blackberry. We'd spend an hour discussing potential prayer items while I captured them on Blackberry. When it was time to end our "cocktail hour" I'd "cc" Mo on the Blogger e-mail then press 'send.' Voila, said prayers sent and immediately posted to the prayer blog/journal from the end of a dock on Lake Okanagan. Mo would have a copy waiting for her when she returned to Yellowknife, too.

On occasion I return to the various posts to write what I call an "Epiblog." That's a description of what happened afterwards… like when I prayed for Greg, a close friend of a fellow blogger last June… Greg died very suddenly and unexpectedly. That's the danger with serious illness if God’s will is not to heal. I pray for healing but submitted to God's will, and peace for the family, at the same time... this was my prayer in Greg's last few days...

Heavenly Father, I lift up Greg for healing. Hit with cancer very suddenly that has now spread to his liver and inoperable, in the name of Jesus Christ Our Lord, I command the healing of Greg. I give Greg the strength to fight. I drive the cancer from his body. I banish evil from him and his surroundings. I protect with Your armour. I shower him, his family and friends with Your peace, love and grace. I heal Greg in Your Name, as only a miracle in the name of Jesus Christ Our Savior could do. I pray and command this now, Amen. If it is Your will that Greg shall die soon, I pray for peace, grace and understanding for his family and friends. Amen.

At 105 posts since June that's about three prayers per week and not enough for sure. However, with the new accountability as the Prayer Leader for the WTE, I created a similar Prayer Journal for the WTE team to follow. Now… the amount of time I spend praying has increased exponentially... I suspect I’ll be at 7X per week (or more) once the team gets weaned onto the power of the prayer blog/journal. If any readers here would like to see the WTE prayer blog/journal, that one IS available for viewing. Just leave a comment below and I'll send you the link. This week I’ll be password protecting the blog, however, if you truly are committed to unity and prayer of the Holy Spirit, I my friends, upon God’s guidance, hold the key to that blog. Just let me know and a new world will open to you.

And now folks, I am exhausted and need to sleep. To be truthful, the final writing of this blog has taken place after landing in Hong Kong. It’s Saturday night and the kids are in bed. But FYI… Sebastian did a major face plant into concrete today while at a birthday party. Seb was incredibly, incredibly brave and didn’t cry, but check back for pictures of his face in the next few days. I suspect that by Sunday evening he’ll look like someone who put half his face into a car’s window shield. Poor guy, but as I said, very brave. Another item for praise and prayer… there but for the Grace of God we go. I surrender myself to you oh Lord, just show me how. Amen.

And now, my coach Guy, it is time for you to de-lurk...  for the record... the engines are revving.