About two years ago I posted a ridiculous survey asking readers of this blog “What do you want to read about this year?” Noted… you don’t want to hear about Charles’ “deepest darkest secrets, fears & anxieties.” Hah, fancy that… thus I ignored that question on the survey until a few weeks ago when I checked in to discover that YES a whopping 25% of you suddenly wanted to hear more about my secrets. Even more remarkably, this was just a shade behind, “Who's Charles? Show me more pictures of the kids!” which, to be truthful, is a false statistic because MoZiLLa kept clicking that button until I disabled repeat visitors. Therefore, my deepest darkest secrets rank #2 to “What it's like to be the father of Seb, Terrific Trio, DH of Tess?” considering all I talk about is the trips, family, Sebastian etc, I decided it time to bare my soul. It happened on a recent flight home to Hong Kong… the mood, setting and stressors all aligned to bring you the following. All I can say is “be careful what you click for!”
Well my friends, here we are... I am on the flight from Amsterdam back to Hong Kong. I have just watched two movies: Miami Vice and The Departed. You might be surprised to learn that even with all the travel I do, this is the first trip in a long time that I have watched movies! Most of the time I am catching up on work. Not so much today... just too tired and the weekend is almost upon me anyway.
Some of you may know from previous posts that the environment of being on a plane triggers strange thought processes inside my head. Tonight is no exception. Both great movies have given my mind an outlet - y'know, living vicariously through others. Now I've created a list of my fav songs from the CX collection. The lights are low, e-mail turned off, no incoming signals and the quiet world inside myself - the one that waits so patiently as I rush frantically through life - has time to talk. And wow, does that silent self have something to say.
Has anyone here ever heard Johnny Cash's rendition of "One" by U2? Truly a classic song.
We've started using executive coaches with our senior management team in APAC. That's a great development tool and in the areas of the region where the coach has been at work for several months we're seeing tremendous benefit. Watching individuals take their game to the next the level is always fun and rewarding. The other great thing about managing executive coach activities is the interaction yours truly gets with the coach. No small thing.
This past week we arranged for the coach (his name is Guy) to be in Singapore to work with some of our team. Between sessions he and I got a chance to talk at length. This gentleman resides in Melbourne and has a very interesting past: moved around as a kid due to his dad's international career, (including living in Hong Kong;) military career; professionally trained as a psycho-therapist; worked in one of the big five consulting firms but his real passion for many years has been coaching senior executives. He also reads this blog... but he lurks, never comments. Maybe that will change someday! (Check now, maybe this will draw him out.)
Back to our discussion... the point is he, the coach, said a very interesting thing to me... essentially that I am playing way too small in my life. He used the analogy of being a helping hand in people's lives, the way someone would reach out to help someone who had fallen. I paraphrase a bit here but essentially this is what he said: "You have a gift, Charles, to help people. We're all waiting for you to extend that helping hand, all of us, even me, what are you waiting for?" All of us? You, the coach, are saying this to me?
Hmmmm... I'm sure you've heard Guns 'N Roses' rendition of "Sympathy for the Devil?"
What the coach said to me was really no surprise. However, I WAS surprised that HE said that.. Even though deep inside I knew we were swimming in the "know that I know" pond. I am well aware I suppress my power and abilities. I'm not sure why that is - why do you think I do that, readers? Please tell me. The expression "afraid to meet the leader within me" resonates.
I am also clear - as is The Coach - this is a spiritual issue. I recognize that may sound odd to some of you dwelling in different doctrines, or who are at various stages of belief in God. Just view it as me a few hundred miles down the road from you. The struggle I'm going through is not belief or disbelief, it is what form should answering God's call take? Even when I ask THAT question, hidden deep within me is the answer. Covered up, never spoken about and often denied... Jesus is wooing me for a commitment that scares the daylights out of me.
Currently listening to "What If" by Coldplay.
When I tell people about "my calling" they often respond with, "I'll pray for confirmation." I appreciate that, hope people will pray for me and thank them very much. But you know what... I've been fighting, kicking and screaming against this calling so hard - for 25 years as of Nov 2007 - that surrendering and obedience will be freedom for me. The circumstances might need confirmation in a Calvinistic way, but the calling itself needs no confirmation. In fact, when praying myself over this issue I often sense God saying, somewhat annoyed, "Don't ask Me to call you again." The issue is not confirmation – it is being obedient to the original call. That was twenty-five years ago while at Trent University. Recently, as I write about those days and my walk with God, it's quite possible there was an earlier calling when I was very, very young. If any prayer is required, it is prayer that the appropriate door will open and the path forward will become clear.
Currently listening to "The Message" by Coldplay.
Speaking of prayer, I am the Prayer Leader for the upcoming Walk To Emmaus in April. I was asked for a variety of odd reasons - odd for others, maybe not odd for me - one of them being that the Director of this Walk To Emmaus sensed divine instruction telling him I should play this particular part. The other reason was the creative nature of prayer in my life. Would you believe me if I told you I have another blog? Yes, friends, I have a private online prayer blog/journal. I started it last June and since then have posted 105 times. (Contrast that with 155 posts on The Searchlight of Insight since April 2002.) Each post contains my latest prayers and anything goes. It is an amazing tool because of the grace I experience each time I post - particularly when I'm down on my knees in grief, like when our landlord jacked our rent 50% a few weeks ago. (To be truthful, only a 50% increase was an answer to prayer. Another family in our building had a 90% increase in rent!)
NO ONE sees this blog and no luck to you attempting to find it. All prayers are posted innocuously, vaguely, unobtrusively, and I think God loves that part of the whole thing. So for example, if I pray for Tess, I pray for "T," or if I pray for someone at work like my colleague Paul, I pray for PM. But the point is I pray. As many of you know I have spoken at many Christian events in the last year. Before each time I speak, I send a prayer to the blog from my Blackberry... instantly and moments before commencing my talk.
Rarely do I share the prayers to this blog... but I did during one period of time. Last summer at Fintry, Tess' mom (Maureen aka MoZiLLa aka GG or Gorgeous Gran) and I sat at the end of the dock each night around 6 pm. We'd have a cocktail in hand, I'd have a cigar and my Blackberry. We'd spend an hour discussing potential prayer items while I captured them on Blackberry. When it was time to end our "cocktail hour" I'd "cc" Mo on the Blogger e-mail then press 'send.' Voila, said prayers sent and immediately posted to the prayer blog/journal from the end of a dock on Lake Okanagan. Mo would have a copy waiting for her when she returned to Yellowknife, too.
On occasion I return to the various posts to write what I call an "Epiblog." That's a description of what happened afterwards… like when I prayed for Greg, a close friend of a fellow blogger last June… Greg died very suddenly and unexpectedly. That's the danger with serious illness if God’s will is not to heal. I pray for healing but submitted to God's will, and peace for the family, at the same time... this was my prayer in Greg's last few days...
Heavenly Father, I lift up Greg for healing. Hit with cancer very suddenly that has now spread to his liver and inoperable, in the name of Jesus Christ Our Lord, I command the healing of Greg. I give Greg the strength to fight. I drive the cancer from his body. I banish evil from him and his surroundings. I protect with Your armour. I shower him, his family and friends with Your peace, love and grace. I heal Greg in Your Name, as only a miracle in the name of Jesus Christ Our Savior could do. I pray and command this now, Amen. If it is Your will that Greg shall die soon, I pray for peace, grace and understanding for his family and friends. Amen.
At 105 posts since June that's about three prayers per week and not enough for sure. However, with the new accountability as the Prayer Leader for the WTE, I created a similar Prayer Journal for the WTE team to follow. Now… the amount of time I spend praying has increased exponentially... I suspect I’ll be at 7X per week (or more) once the team gets weaned onto the power of the prayer blog/journal. If any readers here would like to see the WTE prayer blog/journal, that one IS available for viewing. Just leave a comment below and I'll send you the link. This week I’ll be password protecting the blog, however, if you truly are committed to unity and prayer of the Holy Spirit, I my friends, upon God’s guidance, hold the key to that blog. Just let me know and a new world will open to you.
And now folks, I am exhausted and need to sleep. To be truthful, the final writing of this blog has taken place after landing in Hong Kong. It’s Saturday night and the kids are in bed. But FYI… Sebastian did a major face plant into concrete today while at a birthday party. Seb was incredibly, incredibly brave and didn’t cry, but check back for pictures of his face in the next few days. I suspect that by Sunday evening he’ll look like someone who put half his face into a car’s window shield. Poor guy, but as I said, very brave. Another item for praise and prayer… there but for the Grace of God we go. I surrender myself to you oh Lord, just show me how. Amen.
And now, my coach Guy, it is time for you to de-lurk... for the record... the engines are revving.
i know what it is to run. i know what it is to stop and submit. i still run many times.
i appreciate deeply the prayers and counsel you've offered on my behalf.
i won't pray for confirmation but for obedience.
Posted by: lime | January 28, 2007 at 02:36 AM
getting out of your comfort zone and allowing God to "blow your mind"...why is it so hard for us?
Posted by: Amber | January 29, 2007 at 05:12 AM
What a stimulating and exciting blog, Chuck! Obedience is what I shall be praying for, for you. Your blog follows on the heels of just having returned from Breakforth Canada 2007 Worship Conference with 8,000 others! Break free, Charles, into that freedom He is calling you to!
And Sebbie's face! Ah poor sweet brave boy.
Much love, M xox
Posted by: Maureen aka Mo aka Grandmother aka Mozilla | January 29, 2007 at 02:17 PM
I agree, this blog was very rich and personal - thank you for sharing it. I'm likely the worst person to offer advice, being that profession-wise I am used to "telling" and "ordering" versus the softer arts. I do know one important thing. A quote shared to me many years ago and to which I attempt to live by - "To thine own self be true". You must at least answer the knock on your door and from there decide how best to incorporate and subsequently balance all aspects of your world. A calling of any sort is a powerful thing. I had that with my work. Fight as I may, it was much easier to surrender to it than continue to struggle against it. I am certain you will find your balance and your plan. Keep me posted.
Posted by: Jill | January 30, 2007 at 12:08 PM